A Guide to (Not) Blending In Abroad

With a little skill any person can hide him or herself amongst the throngs in Europe.  There it's just a matter of losing that arrogant swagger, reverting your fashion sense to 1998 (both earth-tones and gothic themes acceptable), and trying to look even more awkward whenever you dance at the "Discos."  Of course the game's up when a word (or, if you're bilingual enough, a sentence) comes out of your mouth, but at least there are ways you can maintain a low-profile whilst doing whatever the hell you went abroad to do.  Europe's diversity, at least in most big cities, allows this.

But China is a different situation entirely if you don't look the least bit Asian (like yours truly).  Here a Westerner on the sidewalk is less common site which results in countless double-takes, stares, and sometimes even condescension.  You'll hear the words lawai (foreigner) about every block or so, and occasionally someone, usually a young guy, will say "hello"--the most trite and common preamble of small-talk ever created.  Now, the stares I can understand--within Chinese culture it is not necessarily impolite to do so--but  "hello?"  Is that seriously the best you can do?  Yes, just go ahead and assume every white guy speaks English (though "hello" as pretty universal) and that I haven't already been asked that same damn question by five hundred other smart-asses that very day.  Is a "how are you?" every so often just too much to ask for?

Okay, enough venting.  The bottom line is that there is no way to get around the fact that if you do not look Chinese and cannot afford any expensive plastic surgery you will always be a foreigner in China.  In fact, you must accept that you are American.  I mean it!  Europeans, Canadians, and Kenyans--guess what!  You're all Americans until you've spent three hours explaining to them why you are not. Oh, and what's more, you get to be associated with whatever famous person from a movie or TV show you look the most like.  Me, I'm that Scofield guy from Prison Break.  Apparently they are not familiar with Justin Timberlake or Brad Pitt.

Of course, there are ways you can cheat the system.  I've been here about a month, but I've learned a few tricks of the trade, so if you dislike all of the attention, or just need a little break, I've got a few tips:

1.  Cover up any non-Asian feature.  This last weekend I traveled in Nanjing with two dark- haired companions and I wore a hat.  As a result, the Taxis actually got within about twenty meters before they realized we were probably too much trouble and drove away.

2.  Travel under the cover of darkness.  Yes, just like Batman...or a possum.

3.  Studies show people are less apt to notice that they are being stared at if they are drunk.  Consider drinking more often.

4.  The key to any good magic trick is misdirection, so travel with someone who looks more foreign than you.  If you get stuck point at them shouting "lawai."  That should buy you about ten seconds to escape.

Those are just some of the possibilities, but personally I've found it to be more fun just to embrace my unavoidable ostentatiousness.  Sure, I'm an exhibit, but to be fair everyone checks everyone out, no matter what part of the world you are in.  It's just that westerners tend to be very covert through casual glances while many Chinese are just very blunt, which can be a good thing.  Plus, by cultivating my "foreigness" I keep my students interested, at least until that whole mystique wears off (which it is already starting to do).  I suppose I'll need some new strategies and incentives for inciting curiosity before they become too jaded.  Maybe candy.

Anyway, leb wohl!